Descent or perhaps it is the beginning of the ascent

Dear Monty,

Life is full of opinions and we have to filter them through our view of the world, but that has its limitations. There is no one universal human point of view of course.

There is a painful truth in these words from the book of Hebrews written by the apostle Paul :

'What is obsolete and ageing will soon disappear'

So I look for an enduring city.

My garden is a sanctuary whether that is right or wrong I do not know, but surely that is true for a good many of us, even if we let others into it from time to time.

I came home again home again jiggity jig to an imbalanced sanctuary. I realised that I like straight lines and a degree of 'tidiness'. Oh no ! Oh yes ! So my temporary solution to this is to plant some old laths in the ground like sentinels. I have also begun to see that I myself have descended into some kind of imbalance.




21/10/13

It took only one day in the world of preventative medicine, and my soul shrunk back into a hard stone core. This categorised world has become soulless - no-one looks at what has gone before, we deal with parts not the whole.

I feel unwell again, I see negativity everywhere I look, even in adverts, for example "Simply Health - We can be bothered " Implying that those of us in the NHS cannot when in fact we can - but the system ties us up in knots. Then unhealthily I watch a program on C4 which highlighted the cutthroat methods used by middlemen to maximise profits. Employment agencies like the one that employed my son - who do not want to pay fair rates, but will do the legal minimum - and then dispense with you if you are no longer economically advantageous for them to employ. There are no moral boundaries these days just legal ones. We have come to rely on law but law is not capable of generosity or forgiveness. Health care is the same, all we now care about is whether the box is ticked. We seem to be sleepwalking into a mean spirited and unforgiving system that monitors everything about us apart from our spiritual well being and then judges us against 'validated' and 'legal' guidelines.

22/10/13  Even tougher mental fight today, I didn't have the strength to fight or even complete the simple tasks in work. Focus was difficult to maintain. I feel bruised by my own stupidity. I have no energy, no drive, no zeal, I even try to avoid coming home because I couldn't face everyone, but then I saw Sophie Elizabeth my granddaughter who just smiled at me - and from that point I forgot about work and targets and my failures. I invested in her smiles and company and her unmerited favour.

23/10/13  Each minor thing becomes a battle, I get angry with myself and cannot control my swinging emotions. I become unable to brush off criticism, I want to hide or get dying over with. I go to church and instead of keeping quiet I open my mouth.
I cannot face failure - yet know it is an inevitable/inextricable part of life.

24/10/13  Down and out - knocked down by tears - undone by the heroism of another.

'Knowledge can be the key to entrapment'

Perhaps I care too much.

Paul

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